Regret
by MxKoli
Summary: The story, in my eyes, of Olivia’s abortion. Set present day. Please dont leave hate because tou dont agree with abortion. This isn’t meant to be political.


**This is shorter than my usual. The plot isn't wonderful. But since the premiere I've been thinking about Olivia's abortion. When, why. So this is the story of when why. Set present day. According to Nooch we'll get an explanation, but this is immediately what popped into my head. I know the plot kinda sucks. I know a lot of people aren't happy, please don't leave hate comments because I'm exploring this aspect of Olivia's past.**

Olivia sat across from Amanda at a coffee shop not far from the precinct. "What did you want to know?" Olivia asked gently.

Amanda shrugged. "I know it's hard, but when we were talking earlier about abortion, you mentioned living with regret. Tell me about it?"

Olivia nodded. "To be clear we're speaking as friends, not boss and subordinate because in order to explain some of the things I'm going to tell you, I can't tell you as your boss."

"Noted."

Olivia took a deep breath and looked into her coffee cup. "I was in college. My second semester my sophomore year. When I got to college I really let loose. I didn't have to take care of my mom anymore. I was… free." She shrugged. "I found out that I liked sex. And I started having a lot of it. My freshman year I actually had a pregnancy scare, but it was just that, a scare. I wasn't pregnant, my period was late from the stress of exams. I thought I was ten feet tall and bulletproof." She nodded. "Until I wasn't. Not long after the start of the semester I was getting sick, cravings all the time," she looked at Amanda. "Crying a lot. I took another test, expecting it to be negative and have it just be stress again. But it wasn't. I was pregnant. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, Amanda, I didn't make it lightly. I found out and I knew I couldn't tell my mother. She'd call me a whore, stupid, tell me I was throwing my life away. I thought about adoption but I was tending bar, waitressing just to get money to get by and I knew that between school work and work, pregnancy would run me down. Exhaustion, dehydration, they were concerns for me in college even before I was pregnant. I just wanted to finish school and start my life out of my house so I worked myself sick. I was in no shape to carry a child, even to adopt."

Amanda listened to Olivia's story, thinking of how it must have been for her. "Wow."

"I was only a couple months along, my roommate took me. I cried on the way there, during the procedure, on the way back. I took a week off of school, I was inconsolable. Amanda, I've always wanted to be a mom. Even then, but I knew I was in no place to raise a baby, and I was in no shape to carry a child that would be healthy and be put up for adoption. It killed me. And then after I went to the academy… I was waiting for the right man. The right time. The right man came along… or so I thought. But the right time was never there for me to be pregnant. As much as I wanted it." She bit her bottom lip and nodded. "I don't really talk about it. Not because of shame, but… regret. That turned out to be my one chance to be pregnant. I took it for granted. I figured my life would go according to plan, I'd be married by 30, kids by 35 after I'd found my footing in the department…" She shook her head. "Humans plan and the universe has a way of screwing it all up." She wiped at her eyes. "You're the only one at the squad who knows. And Ed, he knows, but that's it. I've kept it a secret. Again, not because of shame, just… I don't think everyone needs to know about my sex life. Now or in college, you know?"

Amanda nodded. "I get it. You know you talk about choice, like I said, back home, there is no choice. I mean sure, legally… but, you make that choice and you're a pariah. You're labeled a slut, a baby killer, you get damned to hell before you even get into the exam room."

Olivia nodded. "Don't get me wrong we had our share of protesters up here in the late '80's, the threat of violence at the abortion clinics, walking in to pictures of babies in the womb, it was no cake walk. But I was offered counseling, the doctor, the nurses, they were all wonderful. They all made sure I knew what was happening and made sure I knew that just because I was exercising my right to choose I wasn't a monster. I was doing what was best for me. Selfish? Maybe, but… I knew I couldn't carry a child. Not then. And for a while when I was ready to have a baby, I kept asking if I couldn't because a God I'm not sure I believe in was punishing me for having an abortion."

Amanda reached over the table and took Olivia's hand. "You're a great mom. I think everything… it all led to Noah. I mean, if you did have that baby, dropped out of college, you never would have gone to the academy, or at least would have been there at a different time, maybe you wouldn't have gotten to SVU when you did, or not at all. You wouldn't have Noah. It's a butterfly effect."

Olivia smiled. "It is." She nodded. "Amanda, like I said, this is your decision. I can't make it for you, no one can make it except you. But I will support you, whatever you choose. And by God I'll defend your right to choose to the death."

Amanda shrugged. "How can I? I mean… I have a job, I make decent money, I can give this baby a good home. I don't have a reason. A good one, anyway. How can I say that I don't want a baby, so I'm just going to have an abortion. Yeah, I get the whole right to choose, but I don't believe in abortion as birth control. I had sex without a condom, I'm a big girl with the means to provide, I just… I don't know."

"You don't have to know right now, Amanda. It's okay to think, to go over all your options, including adoption."

"I look at Jesse, pictures of her as a baby. I know that if I have this baby… I wouldn't be able to give it up for adoption. I didn't want a baby, and then Jesse… I loved her before she was even born Liv. How…?"

Olivia nodded. "I know." She took the younger woman's hand in her own and gave a soft sympathetic smile. "I can't make this decision any easier for your you. You have to do what you feel is right in your heart."

"I… I just need to think. I can't make this decision right now."

"Have you talked to the father?"

Amanda visibly stiffened. "I was gonna tell him. I got sick, went to the bathroom and walked out to him giving the waitress his phone number." She shook her head. "Two babies, two baby daddies? Neither of which are in the picture? Declan is constantly undercover busting God knows what kind of ring. And Al? Al can't keep it in his pants long enough to have the damn conversation." She noticed people were starting to stare. She visibly deflated. "Sorry."

"Hey, you're hurt, you've got this on your mind on top of the stuff with Al. You're allowed to feel."

"He begged me for a second chance and two seconds later he's giving his phone number out." She shrugged. "Thanks for telling me about yours." She nodded.

Olivia smiled softly. "Of course. And if you decide to, and you need someone to take you, I'll bring you. I'll help you out after. I'm on your side, no matter what."

Amanda nodded. "You were the only one I could talk to about this. I don't know how Carisi hasn't figured it out yet. He knew with Jesse before anyone else. I didn't tell him he just… knew."

Olivia let out a soft chuckle. "I wouldn't be surprised if he does, and just hasn't said anything. Amanda, we've got your six. Even if I'm the only one who knows if you decide to, we're all here for you. The whole squad."

Amanda took a deep breath and looked down at her coffee cup. "I don't know about you, but I could go for some fries. Cheese fries."

Olivia just smiled. "Cravings kicking in?"

Amanda shrugged. "They haven't stopped."

 **A/N: thanks for reading! This is only a one shot.**


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